Let Light Pierce the Darkness

I talk about personal power a lot on this blog. A firm believer in mind over matter, I think you have the capacity to create joy in your life when you shift your thinking from rigid and negative to positive and flexible. Many times you can decide for yourself how you react to life’s unpredictable forces. You have the luxury to choose whether you’ll find the lesson in every situation or mope around in defeat, the ability to acknowledge that while not everything in your life is going the way you desire, you are generally in a good place.

Sometimes, though, it can seem that despite your efforts to be optimistic, you just don’t feel right, just don’t feel like yourself. You know you need to wake up on time for work or for class, but those extra five minutes of sleep–I’ll only snooze once, you tell yourself–become wasted hours. Slowly, the things you love to do lose their appeal. Feeling lonely, you paradoxically shrink away from family and friends. You hope for each day to finish quickly, which only means that the cycle of lethargy, loneliness, and confusion will begin sooner. That’s not the thinking of a happy, positive person, you tell yourself. Yet, you can’t escape those feelings. As a proverbial winter bears down on your spirits, you hate to admit it to yourself, but you can’t lie anymore: You’re depressed.

This is the revelation I’ve had to cope with for the past few weeks. I cope with seasonal affective disorder, or SAD. When the trees disrobe, the temperature drops, and the sky remains dark more often, I want to crawl into a hole. Few things help for more than a moment–not getting my nails done, not wearing a nice outfit, not even going on a trip. I’m cranky and confused. My weight rises. My patience shrinks. I want to cry for no reason. I’m going under. But when spring hits, I’m usually better.

I think about the days before I let cognitive behavioral therapy change my world, dark days when I was very angry, pessimistic, covetous, and self-hating. I think about how my self-worth was so low–non-existent–that I thought no one would care if I were to disappear. I used to think I didn’t have a right to even live on this planet. I was so depressed that I lost a major scholarship and withdrew from school–I shudder at those memories of my former self. Combine that with SAD and you’ve got a real mess. So admitting to myself that I’m in low spirits has been very disconcerting because I try to think and act in ways that boost my well being. How could I be unhappy when I write a blog about happiness, feeling good, thinking positively, etc.? On paper, things are going very well for me, but smiling has felt like lifting a 300-pound barbell over these few weeks. Does that make me a fraud, a weirdo, a head case–or just human? I’m betting on the latter.

Depression can be painful, no doubt. It can rob you of everything you’ve worked for, leaving you feeling powerless and empty. Changing your thoughts sometimes isn’t enough. Sometimes it’s not enough to tell yourself to “snap out of it” or just slap a smile on your face. Sometimes, you need more help. If you’ve been feeling despondent lately, ask yourself a few questions:

  • Does my low mood have a pattern? Once a month, once a year, a few times a year?
  • Am I grieving something? It could be anything you’ve lost: a loved one, a job, a significant other, etc.
  • Have I been eating a nutritious diet? Do I get enough serotonin-boosting exercise?
  • Does anyone in my family deal with depression or other mental health concerns?

After you’ve considered these questions, you may feel more empowered to not only be honest with yourself about your despair but to get help for it. Hopefully, you’ll see that you’re not abnormal: According to the CDC, an estimated one out every 10 adults reports depression. So despite what nasty, nagging voices in your head may say, you most likely aren’t “losing it.” You may feel down, but–especially in the case of SAD–you don’t have to be down forever. And while medication may be beneficial in more severe cases of depression, it’s not your only option. In my case, for example, exercise really helps. I can’t say that sweating is a panacea for everything, but when I look back over the last few winters, I see that my SAD was a lot less oppressive when I worked out a few times a week. Exercise–go figure–is one thing I haven’t done enough of this winter.

If you know something just isn’t right with you, don’t let another minute pass without finding out what that “something” is. You don’t want to lose your job, your loved ones, or your sense of human worth because of a temporary slump. I’ve been there, and it’s not pretty. Don’t think for one moment that you’re stuck with feelings of hopelessness, worthlessness, or powerless, because if you look closely at your life, you may discover that those feelings are just an illusion. Do your research. Speak with someone. Reclaim your essence. As trite as it sounds, you can look forward to your spring. You can’t precisely control everything that happens in your brain, but you can control what you put in it. You can overpower over depression and take back your thoughts. The hardest part, often, is resolving to do so.

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Taking Care of Home

Housework: Better than a day of shopping. At least in my world.

Besides Idris Elba’s beautiful face, housework makes me warm and tingly.

My Suzy Homemaker side has been in full effect for the past two weeks: I’ve vacuumed or swept the floors, washed all the towels, and scrubbed down the microwave, just to name a few things. I’m so into it. I even got excited unloading the dishes out of the washer–they were so sparkly and clean and pretty that I couldn’t help but swoon. Don’t laugh: Only a homemaker appreciates the value of a good rinse agent.

For me, cleaning up is about more than just presenting a clean space to guests or preventing dust from gathering on the shelves. It’s about taking care of my space, taking pride in my domain and creating a relaxing, peaceful environment with which to surround myself. Sometimes I get annoyed that others in my household don’t clean up, but at the same time, I know I’m the best person for the job. Not only that, but I really do enjoy it. I can vacuum that floor like nobody’s business.

This week, I plan to extend my homemaking kick into the kitchen. I’m going to bake a cake from scratch, complete with homemade whipped icing. Maybe Idris will come for dessert? A girl can dream.

Breakup Rx

When you break up with someone, you have to deal with the pain. No phone calls, texts, or emails. No calling from blocked numbers just to see if he’ll pick up. You have to face the agony head-on, like giving birth without an epidural. I’ve never had to do that, but I imagine it can’t feel any better than heartbreak.

The days will be long. You’ll spend your free time wishing you could just fall asleep but your body will refuse to. You’ll watch the clock, as if marking time will inspire a miraculous turnaround of events. As if you could take back your decision.

That text is just your sister sending pics from her vacation in Miami. The knock on the door is just your neighbor’s brother trying to sell you studded T-shirts and a so-called Gucci iPhone case. Don’t get that desperate.

Go outside. Walk. Feel the air, watch the people, smile at the squirrels. They’re all doing what you must continue to do—they’re living. When you go back inside, cry if you need to. Eat a brownie and drink a ton of water. Ok, white wine. Watch five minutes of a bad movie, then turn it off and watch something else. Cry some more, drink some more—water this time—and breathe. When all else fails, repeat.

It’ll be over soon.