The Courage to be OK

We must have the courage to fall–and the courage to be OK.

“It takes courage to love again when you’ve been hurt.
It takes pain and strength again …
to pack it all away.
Somewhere in all the pain somebody has to have the courage …
to be OK…”

Madea’s Family Reunion

April’s painful, unexpected events have blurred my vision. I feel confused and angry, pessimistic and heartbroken.

But I have trained myself so diligently to think positively yet flexibly. After more than a year of introspection, therapy, and growth, my brain yearns to feel joy in spite of pain. I want to be brave. My lips want to smile even when I’m frowning. Although though I am sad, I long to be happy.

Then guilt sweeps over me. How can I continue to laugh and smile when someone I loved can no longer do so? But reason must prevail: I know my loved one would want me to be alright. He wanted me to succeed when he was alive, and I doubt he would have changed his mind about that.

I’ve practiced the art of positive thinking because life is going to feel unbearable at times. This is exactly what I’ve been preparing myself for–the heartache, the loss, the sadness, the inevitable difficulties of life that fortify us, if we allow them to.

Slowly, the little pieces of glitter dancing in the snow globe of my life are falling back down. Soon they will settle, leaving my house in precious peace for a time. I am determined to keep my head on tight as the chaos dissipates.

In any hardship, I want to have the courage to be OK–and I know that strength is inside of me.

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3 thoughts on “The Courage to be OK

  1. What you are feeling is normal Nina, though I can certainly relate to your pain. You will get through this; you are stronger than you think. Writing and being in touch with your feelings is a very good start. Hang in there.

    L

    1. Thank you, L. I read somewhere that grief is an upward spiral: although you’re slowly healing, sometimes you end up in the same painful spots. I’m being as patient as I can with myself–it won’t hurt this way forever.

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